Wednesday, July 25, 2012

GUEST POST: "My Top Ten TV Crushes" by Disco Hulk

Today I have a special treat for you fellow boys and ghouls. I have a guest post from my wife "DiscoHulk" as she's known on twitter. Enjoy! If you like it maybe she'll write more.

21 Jump Street crush: Officer Dennis Booker joined the Jump Street team during season three, and he stole my 13 year old heart at the same time. He was kind of like Tom Hanson, but a little more suave, a little hotter, and with bigger hair. At least in my mind.

Reality: Officer Tom Hanson was a lot like my crush, Dennis Booker. Just a little less suave, a little less hot, and with smaller hair.

Beverly Hills, 90210 crush: Dylan McKay, because I apparently had a thing for rebel types with big hair in my early teens. Not sure why else I'd have had a crush on him. I mean, other than his being handsome, rich, and mysterious.

Reality: If Scott Scanlon and I were ever able to mutually overcome our teen awkwardness, I think we'd have really hit it off. We'd have clasped our sweaty palms together while we slow danced the night away under matching cowboy hats at his birthday party--at least until he shot himself.

The X-Files crush: Fox Mulder is a bit off, but I do love a man with a dry sense of humor. Especially one who looks that good in a suit. Or a t-shirt.

Reality: Nobody. Mulder is clearly a loner, and how could I settle for anyone else after setting my sights on him? I'd spend my evenings home with 15 cats, mourning what could have been.

My So-Called Life crush: Jordan Catalano wasn't just my My So-Called Life crush, he was the embodiment of every teen crush I had.

Reality: Graham Chase was everything Jordan wasn't. He was emotionally available (if not always to his wife), nice, dependable. Old. But not now that I'm his age. If I watched that show today, he'd totally be my crush.

Oz crush: Nearly every man on this show is basically a horrible human being, I know, but I just love Dean Winters in anything, so I love Ryan O'Reilly. He's much smarter than your average inmate, and I can't help but be impressed by the way he uses his intelligence to manipulate the other prisoners. It's kind of like the modern day prison version of medieval court intrigue.

Reality: Bleeding heart liberal Tim McManus is much more my style. We'd co-habitate near the university. I'd raise heirloom chickens and tend my organic garden wearing Birkenstocks and ombre dyed broomstick skirts, blissfully unaware that he was cheating on me with nearly every female staff member at the prison.

Dawson's Creek crush: Pacey Witter may have been second fiddle to Dawson on the show, but not to me.

Reality: Pacey Witter. I like sarcastic underachievers. He likes older women. Everybody wins.

Freaks and Geeks crush: Daniel DeSario definitely has that whole cute, but jerky, but flirty, but does he like me? thing mastered. He's exactly the sort of boy I'd have spent my sophomore year in high school pining after, before coming to my senses and realizing he's kind of dumb, and totally not worth the C- I got in Home Ec. because he was my partner.

Reality: I think Sam Weir had just the right amount of geek for me. He was neither as awkward as Bill nor as brash as Neil. We'd have spent many happy weekends as Gorthon the Thief and Elfstar the Sorcerer, over pretzels and Faygo, until I broke his heart by leaving him for a slightly less geeky older boy I met at my summer job.

Sopranos crush: I wouldn't really want to be a mob wife, but if I had to, Furio Giunta is exactly the sort of mobster I'd want to be married to. He's loyal and discreet, which means he's less likely to get in trouble with (or killed by) his boss, and although he's extremely violent on the job, he's sensitive and polite elsewhere. In addition to these endearing qualities, he's more attractive than the average mobster, has an Italian accent, and is a master cheese maker. Need I say more?

Reality: Christopher Moltisanti is kind of squeamish and whiny, and though ambitious, does not want to actually work to advance himself. He's not really a great mobster, but eventually becomes Tony's right hand man, because he's his favorite nephew. These things, along with his struggles with drug and alcohol addiction lead me to believe he must be a Pisces. Brad is a Pisces too. Christopher even looks like Brad, and Brad loves Italian food. Enough said?

Lost crush: Sawyer. Oh, those dimples. I love a guy with dimples. Also, I apparently love manipulative con man types? But mostly dimples.

Reality: Though I am a sucker for dimples, I like to think I lack the particular sort of insecurity which leaves one vulnerable to con men. Desmond Hume seems like a nice, normal sort of guy. Although a bit intense, he's from Scotland, and my mom is from Scotland, so I'd be right at home there with him.

Sons of Anarchy crush: As a Leo, I'm not the least bit deep or mysterious. I can neither keep a secret nor hold a grudge. But opposites attract, and Tig is clearly a Scorpio, so I can't help it. I am to Scorpios like a moth to a flame. It never ends well.

Reality: Juice is a mild-mannered light skinned hispanic who is good with computers. He's basically Brad with tattoos and a weird haircut, if Brad weren't deathly afraid of motorcycles.

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